22 things you never do around the Kirkland Brothers
by AliceStoneheart
Summary: Caution: No countries were harmed in the making of this fic.


22 things you never do around the Kirkland Brothers:

by AliceStoneheart

1. Never ask England about the Doctor Who episode where a spaceship destroyed his 'Big Ben'. He will _not_ be happy.

2. Do not make fun of England's eyebrows. If he doesn't turn you into a frog, France will force feed you raw beef to shut you up for hurting his beloved sourcils' feelings.

3. Referring to the 'Little Entente' when questioning England about his relationship with France is _not_ a good idea. Unless, of course, you plan on shoving them both into a broom cupboard and locking them in for a few hours.

4. When referring to Scotland's national animal, never ask him why he doesn't ride his 'horny' friend to World Conferences.

5. Any mention of Aliança Luso-Britânica around the Kirkland brothers will result in a detailed and embarrassing account of England's first date and subsequent 'relations' with Portugal.

6. Number 5 can also be applied to the Auld Alliance and Scotland's relationship with France.

7. The correct way to get Scotland to turn you on does _not_ include using the line, "Beam me up, Scotty."

8. During his annual Harry Potter marathon, under no circumstances must you ever ask England to show you his 'wand'.

9. Number 8 can also be applied to his 'sonic screwdriver' during the Doctor Who marathon.

10. Reminding England that his human name comes from Arthur Pendragon is not a good idea. He's sick of Wales continuously lording over him because he is named after the King of Camelot.

11. The term, 'Bros before hoes' is never to be mentioned in the vicinity of the Kirkland brothers, specifically Arthur and Alistair. It might be taken literally, which would result in a really bad fistfight which would escalate to a 'more than unified' British Isles. England hates America's stupid taglines. Also, France doesn't like to be referred to as a hoe, no matter what the nature of his relationships with Scotland and England were or are respectively.

12. Mentioning Ireland's Split-Personality Disorder will result in a nasty altercation about compass directions over a pint of ale in the nearest pub.

13. Cracking Scotty jokes around Alistair will end with you sitting in the driver's seat too terrified to even scream the words, "I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain!" while being chased down by an angry unicorn. Scotland found the first one funny, but the 83rd ended up making him hate Star Trek.

14. The word 'magic' should never be used when England is drinking at the tavern known as The Rising Sun. Merlin's presence there will ensure that everyone in a five-mile radius will be turned into frogs, local vegetation, kittens or flying mint bunnies as a result of the impending warlock's duel.

15. Do not try to nickname Wales' crappy laptop 'Sir Crash-a-lot.' He will set Kilgarrah on you. Also, 'Sir Junk-in-a-box' is not an acceptable alternative.

16. Showing up at England's house on the Fourth of July singing the American National Anthem is a surefire way of getting yourself killed. Not by England, he's usually too drunk to notice, but Prussia and Scotland (their presence is justified as 'moral support') will make sure you die slowly and painfully.

17. Never enlighten England about his unfulfilled paternal role in Canada's life. The ensuing custody battle between him and France will not be pretty.

18. 'Honhonhonhon' is not an acceptable way to laugh at England's jokes.

19. Replication of Tony Stark's attempt at speaking Old English around Arthur will result in a three-hour long rant about how adding 'eth' at the end of each word is _not_ Old English.

20. Never let Scotland go anywhere near Russia and/or Mexico in a bar. Or under any circumstances, really. The ensuing drinkathon will result in extensive hangovers all around for at least two weeks.

21. If you value your cable subscription, do not tell England that Scotland's hair is better than his. He's always wanted to be ginger and is eternally jealous over the fact that Scotland is.

22. Asking England to unleash his 'wild side' will result in Arthur prowling about in full pirate garb and boasting about his many 'conquests' as Captain Kirkland, specifically over Conquistador Antonio Fernandez Carriedo (aka Spain).


End file.
